Man Etiquette 101 – Part 1: How to Fart in Public

There are a few instances when, for a man, it is required to let one rip in public. You know… Cut the cheese, clap your b*tt cheeks, let out the quiet storm, toot.

This short guide will explain a three-step method to circumvent the embarrassment, and will facilitate the concealment of farting in public.

Note: this guide will only apply to malls and outdoor malls. But the great thing is… guess where you’ll be spending all your time this Holiday Season.

Ok. So, you ate a burrito at your local taco spot before meeting up with friends or your partner, and you’re heading to the mall (no one can blame you, it’s cheap and good). Upon arrival, you’re already not feeling too good. Your stomach is bubbling. You start sweating. You know you gotta fart; so bad that your face discretely begins to scan for a restroom. None in sight. The public restroom is who knows where, and the department store restroom is somewhere… but, it’s on the 4th floor, the escalators are slow, and telling your partner or friends that you want to go to Nordstrom will attract too much attention. What do you do?

Go to Abercrombie & Fitch. The best thing in any mall for the ‘flatulently challenged’.

Step 1:
Drive toward the Abercrombie & Fitch with determination.

Step 2:
Prepare to attack. Check your perimeter to make sure your partner or friends are not behind you.

Step 3:
Upon arriving to the mission target and confirmation of ‘attack-is-a-go’, release the gas.

None will be the wiser. Trust me. That place smells so bad, that your fart may improve the pungent aroma coming out of the entrance. In actuality, that is how Abercrombie & Fitch stays in business – as a fart station. Everyone that enters the store is farting up and down that place, then, they end up buying something. Next time, go into the store and look at other people’s faces. It was a surprise to me too. Yeah, I know.

In case you can’t find an Abercrombie & Fitch. Look for the nearest Hollister. My technique is flexible and is compatible at both locations.

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